I just need to kinda vent, not really looking for any answers but just need to get it all out. Im still so so sad and miss my precious angel so much. Sometimes I do so good but other times like right now I cant seem to keep myself together. I seem to miss him more when Im stressing about other things, which seems to happen alot lately so I am constantly thinking of him and missing him so so much!! I know he is watching over me and I hate that he has to see me cry cause I know that he would want me to be happy, that he is looking over me and that he loved me so so much to bless my Ethan with a forever guardian angel.
I look at his brother and think so much about how he would be progressing and how I just want to hold him one more time, and never let him go. Its not the same holding a cold silver cross with him inside it, I want to hold my warm precious baby in my arms, I want to take pics of my "Twins" side by side, I never will ever get a pic like that. I want ppl to understand how much I am hurting and how certain things bother me, but I dont want to say anything I just want them to know. I hate telling a story about seeing twin boys around my boys age, and having ppl say ahhh but what do they really mean?? Do they even know how anxious that made me inside and how in the middle of the store I just wanted to ball because I didnt have my boys, but I did have my precious Ethan looking at me smiling.
My work yesterday posted an email about a lady that lost her son and for all of us to pray for her, yet there was never an email posted about me there was never words of prayer for me why was she so much better than I was, so I still to this day have to deal with 1 person not knowing the story at least once a week and saying " oh how are the twins?" or when ppl ask how I am usually Im ok but if i look like Im having a bad day dont ask how I am because u really dont want to know. There is a part of me that feels so empty, and even thought I love Ethan so so much, that is a hole that will never be filled, no matter what. Its the worst feeling in the world. The worst thing that anyone can experience, I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. I just want to see his smiling face, his chubby cheeks, and hear his little voice, smell him when he gets out of the bath.. and I CANT!!!
I still dont understand y me??? y was I so lucky that God had to take my baby from me?? y me, y me, y me???? I just want all the memories to stay in my head but I dont want to hurt anymore, I know I will always hurt because I cared that much for my precious angel. Sometimes I feel so lost. I dont want ppl to think I need meds because I am still so upset I just need time, alot of time, for my heart to heal!! Thank u for listening!!!
God Bless you Evan, Mommy is very proud of you!!!
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