He's getting SO big ;o)

My little man is getting so big!! He is now 3lbs 6.8oz and is eating more and more each day. He is now eating at will, which means he gets to eat as much food as he would like from the bottle as long as he eats the minimum amount of 27mls per feeding. The past couple of feedings he has been eating 40ml, thats over an OUNCE!! WOOOHOOO for Ethan!! He has been gaining an oz a day about, so soon he will be home with us. It will still be about 5wks maybe 4wks but at least its better than months! He has already been there for 6wks and 1 day as of today. I miss him so much today. I wasnt able to go see him because I needed to clean around the house, and need to get my milk supply up again since he is eating so much. I cant wait to see him tomorrow because they took his feedin tube out of his nose, so he has no tubes on his face! I will be taking many pictures tomorrow. He had an excellent day today!!!

I also went back to work yesterday. My day went pretty good, not to many people asked questions and they loved the pictures of Ethan. I think it will be good for me to be back at work, but once my little man comes home I am taking 2wks off with him. Well Im off to bed. Ethan mommy loves you hunny!! Evan, mommy loves you as well!!!

Sharing some pics ;o)

Great-Grandma Sue with Ethan
Ethan my little man!! 1 month & 9 days old

Ethan Update 01/30/08

My little man is doing so so good, he has been eating all of his bottle the last 5-6 feedings, which is about 30ml hes only eating 27ml but they put extra in the bottle because he spits some out. While he is eating he still bradys and desats which is completely normal for his gestational age he still has to learn some things. He is now 3lbs 5.2oz, he is just gaining and gaining!! ;o) I also just went back to work today, it was ok alittle hard at times because people like to say "oh, congratulations and im sorry for your loss" it felt good to be back at work though. Ethan mommy loves you. Evan mommy still is thinking of you and you are making me happy for the last couple days. ;o) I love you both so so much!!!!

I love him so!!

Here's a short little update on my little man. He is now 3lbs 2.6oz as of last night hopefully he will gain weight again tonight. He has been doing awesome at eating from a bottle. Today, while I was feeding him he ate 25ml out of 30ml and the rest we tube feed him. That's awesome for only being his second day eating. He gets tired sometimes but that's normal, before to long he will be eating all his feedings from the bottle, I cant wait ;-) Love you little Ethan

He took a bottle!!!!

I'm so happy today!!! Me & Grandpa Bob went to the hospital at 130pm for his touch time today and I was talking to the nurse about when he was going to be able to nipple, and she was like probably in the next couple days. Well I started changing his diaper and checking his temp and she said oh, it looks like the Dr wants to start nippling him today and he upped his feeding to 27ml per feed. I WAS SO HAPPY but also so nervous. So i got to feed my baby boy today from a bottle. It was amazing, the feeling was so overwhelming with joy and happiness. Ive been wanting for so long for him to nipple and he has. He ate 15ml of his 27ml feeding from a bottle and the rest was given to him through his feeding tube. I will post a picture tomorrow of me feeding him. Here is a pic of him from today with his eyes wide open. I love him so much!!

P.s. Mommy loves you to Evan and I know you are helping your brother become so big and strong. I love you my little angel!!!

walking in my shoes

found this poem and it is completely how i feel! no one will know what my shoes feel like no one will know what shaunas shoes feel like because you've never been in them, and if you have Im so sorry for your loss!!!

love this poem

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Sucking on his pacifier

undefined Ethan Sucking on his paci



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Ethan's sneezing ;-)

undefined Ethan Sneezing



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Ethan Update 01/25/08

ETHAN IS NOW 3lbs WOOOHOOOO!! That is the biggest update on him, other than that he hasn't changed much. He is fitting into his onsies a little bit more. He was so cute today, we got good videos of him and I'm going to post them now. I love him so much!!!!

Looking around in Mommy Shauna's arms

Check out this video: Ethan awake



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Ethan getting his diaper changed

Check out this video: Ethan’s diaper change



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Missing Evan....

Evan, mommy misses you so much! I feel so cheated that you are not in my life now. I know you are safe and OK, but I miss you so so much! Why was it me that had to go through this, why did I have to loose my pride and joy because god wanted you. what made me so bad that he couldn't leave you here with me so I could take care of you. I would have been a good mommy, I am being a good mommy to your brother. I wish so much that I could change time and that I could have went to the hospital on the 17th and told them I wanted to be monitored, then I would have know you were in trouble and we could have tried to save you. I know I cant change what happened and I know that you are in a better place, but that doesn't help me!!! Sometimes I feel just so lost without you, and think something always happened to me. I know I don't deserve these bad things that happen, I know I am a good person but I miss you so so much my son! Mommy thinks you would have been just like your brother a little fighter but you were never given the chance. People tell me at least you still have Ethan, Yes I know I love him VERY much, but that's not good enough. Let me tell them at least you still have one child. I'm sad to go back to work because I don't want people to ask about you. I want people to already know what happened and me not have to tell the story all the time. I don't mind talking about you, but I hate having to tell your saddest part that you had to leave mommy. I love you baby oh so much, and you will ALWAYS ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what happens in life. Thank you for watching over me. I love you Evan!!!

Ethan update 01/22/08

My little man is now 1 month 3 days old and just a growing and growing. He is now 2lbs 13.8oz and is 16 1/4 inches long. He is now off of all his medicines and is just eating my breast milk every 3 hrs at 24 mls a feeding and he gets vitamins once a night, which he doesn't seem to mind or get sick from them. He is now pretty much just considered a feeder/grower which means that all he needs to do is keep growing and learn how to eat all by himself, which we will start to try to nipple him in about a week and a half. I cant wait, for me and Shauna to be able to feed him from a bottle and for me to actually be able to say that I breastfeed him, instead of I'm breast pumping. lol He still has at least 5 weeks maybe longer before he can come home but now he has less than 2lbs to gain before he can come home ;-) woohooo. He's staying awake longer and starting to wake up more for his feedings as well, which is good because his tummy is telling his brain that he is hungry. (Leave it to my son, to wake himself up to eat, hes just like his momma, haha) He's doing amazing and I just love him so so much!!

Here's my venting now....

I miss him really bad when I have to leave the hospital and it keeps getting harder and harder to leave him because hes growing to much and I don't want to miss anything and I just feel like I'm being cheated because hes not with me at home. I get very jealous when I am around other mommies that get to have their baby home with them, because I have a baby too, I want to show him off as well. I am just like them but they get to have their baby home with them. I know my time will come and I cant wait because it will be the next happiest moment in my life. He seems to give me many happy moments lol. He even is starting to wake up to the sound of my voice sometimes, which just melts my heart because I know that he knows I'm there. I wish and hope the next 5-8 weeks go by so fast so I can have my precious baby home with me. I want those sleepless nights, I want to be able to not be able to do anything but care for him throughout my day. I want it, I want it, I want it!!!

I know Shauna wants him home too, the look on her face when she looks into his eyes is priceless and lets me know that she is my soul mate and the best person in this world to have as my sons other mommy. He is loved so much and I know that he will grow up to be the best son we could ever have. I know we want to try in a couple years for him to be a big brother, but I am so content with the little family I have know. I know my angel Evan is watching over us and is proud of him mommies and his brother.

Evan, mommy loves you and misses you very much! I think about u all the time and not a moment goes by that I don't think about you watching over me. I know that when I'm resting you are right there, when I'm driving you are keeping me safe, and when I'm having a bad day you are whispering sweet nothings in my ear to brighten up my day. I love you son!!!

I just love his room

First off, here is a little update of my little man, he's 2lbs 11oz. and is doing amazing as usual. He just such a Lil angel and looks so precious I love him to pieces. Myself, Shauna, & Angela put up his letters in his room today they are so cute. His room is starting to look more and more like a nursery, we still need a few things to top off the room like a valance, rug, and more things for the walls. I cant wait til he comes home, I'm tired of driving to the hospital each day but if I don't go I miss him so much, so I still drive to see him because its not his fault hes in the hospital. I'm going to watch CSI Las Vegas now, here is a picture of part of his room and his letters.

Sharing a couple more pics...

Sleeping snug
Waking up a bit
In grandpa Bob's arms

To my Angel baby Evan....

Mommy just picked your remains up from the funeral home, I cant say I picked you up because I know that you are always with me. The box is now so heavy with your ashes in it. ;-( Mommy was sad driving home and I'm sorry you had to see that, I always pictured taking you home with you in the backseat in your car seat with your brother, but instead you were next to me in a tin can in the front seat. I miss you oh so much baby boy. Mommy has tried not to be sad for the last couple days, because I know you watch over me and I don't want you to think I am always sad when I think of you honey. Your brother is doing really well, and I know its because your right there by his side making him stronger and more feisty each day. I know you are safe and that is what makes mommy OK and happy. Someone sent me a message with this little note about god talking to a mommy about her son that she didn't have, and after reading it I realized I do have you, I just have you in a different way that I have your brother. You are here to watch over me, to protect me, to make sure I live a long and happy life so I can be with your mommy and your brother. While your brother is here to keep me on my toes, remind me of you, and to keep living on to be a strong boy, and later on man. We all love you so much and I will never ever forget you my dear. You will always be in mommy's mind forever. I'm so happy that all of you is now home with me, but now I'm also sad because it makes it more of a reality that you are actually gone and mommy cant do anything about it. It is out of my hands, it has been since the day we lost you but I liked to think that it wasn't til now. I love you baby boy, you are so precious. Here is that message I told you about. Mommy knows your home and safe! muah

What makes a mother?

I closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard Him say, A Mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?"Yes you can!", He replied with confidence in His voice, "I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime and other's for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quick My Mommy set me free. I'll miss my Mommy oh so much but I'll visit her each day. When she goes to sleep on her pillow is where I will lay. I'll stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK. Your baby is here in my home and this is where he'll stay. he'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come home he'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Ethan update 01/16/08

My little prince is growing so well, and is getting so big! He is now 2lbs 10.7oz and is 15.7in long! woohooo He is still eating 22 ml every 3 hrs and is still getting his couple meds that he is on. He is having less bradys than he use to which means that he is growing out of it a little bit. Hes such a big boy and is growing a little personality now. When he gets pissed off he will arch his back and make it harder to hold him. The other night when me and Shauna went to see him he was so grumpy making ugly faces at us every time we touched him. HAHA it was so cute and funny. He has been a perfect angel these past couple days though. I cant wait to go see him when Shauna gets off work tonight. My little miracle boy, Momma loves you!!!

Poem to my Sweet Evan!

I'm about to go to bed, and I found this poem that is perfect for my sweet angel baby. I'm not having a bad night or anything this poem just warmed my heart and reminded me of him so much. This is for you my precious boy! Mommy loves you Evan!!!

How do you love a person Who never got to be,Or try again to see a face You only once got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one Who never got to live,When there's nothing to feel good about And nothing to forgive?

I love you, my son.You're a person of the wind,Free to be the memory Of all that might have been.

I love you, my son,My companion of the night,Wandering through my lonely hours,Beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before You ever can be born,To live the lovely night of life And never see the dawn?

Ah! My dear son,You lived like anyone!Life's a burst of joy and pain,And then, like yours, it's done.

I love you, my son,Just as if you'd lived for years.No more, no less, I think of you,The angel of my tears.

GRRR I hate graveyard!

Shauna is at work right now and I hate it! I'm so bored and I just wish she was home with me. I'm tried but I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to sleep. Ive pretty much myspaced everyone on my friends list...haha I know I'm a loser! I'm just trying to make myself tired so once I get in the bed I fall asleep fast. This is my first night home all by myself since the boys were born. I wish Ethan was home with me then I wouldn't be bored or lonely. ;-) I would be taking care of my little man. I'm trying to wait til 1130 before going to be so I can see how much he weighed tonight. I love to hear that he is gaining weight so that would make my night before I go to sleep. Tomorrow I am taking Grandpa Bob to the hospital so he can hold him for the first time ever. Grandma Lorrie got to about a week and a half ago, she looked like she enjoyed it a lot. My grandma is coming out here in a week or so, I cant wait I love when she visits and were going to go to the hospital so she can see her great grandson and hold him as well. I want him to be a little bigger so bad, because I want to be able to bottle and breast feed him. That will be the next big step in his process and I just cant wait, we still have about 3 weeks til he can ;-( but since the weeks are going by so fast. He will be 1 month in less than a week. WOW how time flies. It will go even faster when I go back to work. ;-( Before I know if he will be home. I wish I didn't have to go back to work before he comes home though. I'm just ranting on and on about nonsense lol. oh well its making time go by. Here is another cute pic of him, I just cant get enough!! Love you Lil man. I love u Shauna! good night all

Had to share this pic!!

As of last night Ethan is 2lbs 8.2oz he just keeps on gaining a little at a time ;-) He is also wearing more and more clothes so it is so fun to go see him now. He was smiling so big in this picture, I just love it.

I love him so so much!! He is such a ham sometimes, then other times me and Shauna call him a grumpy butt, because he makes an ugly face at us each time we touch him. That's how he was yesterday, but today he was happy!! hehe.

On another note, Evan will be home with us in his urn on Tues, I cant wait because that will be a little more closure for me and I will know he is safely home with me physically and spiritually. Love you angel baby!! Love you my lil man!!

Ethan Update 01/11/08

Ethan is still doing so good. He is now 2lbs 7.8oz and will be measured again on sun 01/13. He is eating 22ml of breast milk every 3 hrs and is having less bradys and desats than before. He is still getting his meds to make sure everything stays balanced, which is normal in a preemie baby. He finally is getting fat on his face, its so cute! We got to help weigh him again last night I love when they let us help out and do things. He is the most amazing baby in the world and I love him so much. There really isn't much else to report because he is just awesome!

I love my Lil Man!!

Check out this video: Ethan my cutie pie



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Ethan blowing Mommy a kiss

Check out this video: Ethan awake still ;-)



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Letter to Evan

Dear Evan,

Mommy has been missing you a lot lately and even though I know you are looking over me, I just had to write to you as well. There are many moments in my day that I miss you so so much, especially when your other mommy is at work, because I am home by myself thinking of you and your brother and all the things that mommy could have done with you guys. I think about you all the time and when I go to see your brother I can tell you are watching over him, because he is so strong. Thank you my little angel for taking care of your brother. I wish you were here with me so I could hold you and show you how much I love you. I hurt so much for you sometimes and I know that's not what you want mommy to do but I cant help it because I love you so much and there is an empty spot that you were suppose to fill when you were born. I look at your brother and see you! The thought that you are not here anymore makes mommy sad and I'm sorry if you see me cry sometimes it doesn't mean I blame you at all and mommy doesn't blame herself either. I had so many dreams and thoughts for you that I wish you were here to complete them. Don't think that mommy is always sad because sometimes I think about you, and you make me so happy. Thinking about the 1st time that mommy Shauna saw you kick and she thought it was so gross, but she kept trying to make you do it again and again. You were always so cute in your ultrasound pictures and even when you came out you and your brother were the cutest little 1lb babies mommy has ever seen. I hope you and my grandpa are having a good time up there and my grandpa will be teaching you how to tie your shoes just like he taught me. Its been 3 weeks since you left us and went to a better place. Both mommies love you very much and think about you all day. Watch over us son and make sure we are safe. I love you!!!

Ethan Update

Ethan is such a little miracle boy, I couldn't ask for anything better!! He truly is showing us that no matter how small he is, he is going to be a fighter for us and his brother. He is now 2lbs 6.8oz and is 14 3/4 in long. He is eating 20ml of food ever 3 hrs and is getting two medications, one to help him get off his caffeine because it is giving him more red blood cells and then hes on another but I don't remember what it was for. He is having some bradys but not nearly as many as he was having. The Dr said he is the leader of the pack and all the other preemie babies should learn from him ;-) that made mommy happy. Last night we got to give him a full bath and take his little feet prints. It was something else I will never forget. I love him so much and I'm so thankful he is as strong as he is, mommy needs that.

Slideshow of Ethan....

Pictures of Ethan

Proud Mommies
His 1st Sleeper
Sleeping in mommy's arms
Eyes wide open lookin at the world
Hes so little compared to his clothes

Ethan Glenn

My Miracle boy!! Now on to the man in my life that fills my heart with so much joy, yet he is still so little. I never knew I could love someone so small and love him so much in so little time. He is my heart. He has had a long journey so far, and he has many more weeks to go, but we are so proud of how well he is doing this far. He was placed on a ventilator once he was born and he was on that for 3 days, He was then placed on an oxygen cannula through his nose. He was on that for 2 days before he pulled it out and decided that he wanted to breathe the air that mommies breathe. He has had 2 blood transfusions for his white and red blood cells, which both are fine now. He was on insulin for a while because he wasn't able to keep his blood sugar regulated by himself, but he is now off of that. He has been off of his IV's for about 3-4 days now and is doing awesome. He does get caffeine to help him remember to breathe, which at times he does forget, that is called apnea. He also has Brady's which is where his heart rate drops and he needs to be stimulated to it to return to normal. This is perfectly normal for a preemie at his age, and the Dr said he will grow out of it later on. He is eating 20ml of breast milk every 3hrs through a feeding tube, and usually has no residual in his belly when they check it before his next feeding. His feeding does get changed each day to increase it by 2ml a day. He now weighs 2lbs 3.8oz and is continuing to get bigger and bigger! All of the nurses say he truly is a miracle baby because at his gestational age he hasn't had near as many problems as he could have had. I love him so much, and will now be updating my blog with his progress. He is estimated to come home in about 2 months. Mommies love you Ethan!!!

Evan Michael

He is my little angel and I cant help but to think about him all the time. I miss him so very much and wish that there was something I could have done to keep him here with us. You never realize until it happens to you, but I have such an empty whole inside now where he was and all I can do is think about him and tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I know that he was smaller and there could have been a lot of complications if he would have made it, but now that I don't have him here with me, I don't care what would have been wrong I still would have loved him just the same. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself and I don't but I have so many feelings inside that I just feel so lost sometimes. I know he is looking down on us and making sure that his brother is safe, but that's not enough. I want him here with me. I get so jealous when I see other people with twins, or when I hear other people talking about them. Why couldn't I keep my twins? Why do people in this world drink, do drugs and much more and still have healthy babies? but I was so healthy and keep my boys so safe while they were in my belly and I couldn't keep them both. Why do people get pregnant then go an have an abortion when there are people in this world that cant get pregnant, and people that loose their babies? UGGGHHHH I cant stand all of you people. I want my little boy here with me. I love him so much and I always will love him and think about him everyday. I know he is Ethan's Guardian Angel and I thank him so much for all that he has done for Ethan this far. Evan, Mommies love you so so much and there will be a time that we will be up there with you but now and for many more years to come we will be right here taking care of your brother. I love you!!! RIP Evan Michael Williams!!!

Birth Story....

I haven't posted in a while because a lot has happened in the last 2 1/2 weeks. As you all have read on 12/17 I was diagnosed with TTTS. Well the following day 12/18 I had a large gush of fluid come out around 800am, I wasn't sure what it was and thought that I just lost all control of my bladder. I explained to Shauna what had happened and she wanted me to go to L & D to make sure that my water didn't break. I told her no its to soon but agreed to go to the hospital just to make sure. She was suppose to work but met me at the hospital, well thank goodness she did. We couldn't find one babies heartbeat like always so they called an ultrasound tech in to find it. She looked around for about 5 min and was very silent, I knew something was wrong. I saw her look at the nurse and shake her head no, and I just began to cry and cry. Myself, Shauna, and Angela all knew what that meant. We had lost one of our precious babies. Our Angel Baby is Evan Michael and Our Miracle Baby is Ethan Glenn. It was the most horrible news I have ever heard in my entire life. The Dr. came in and explained that because they shared the same placenta that we would need to deliver the other baby as soon as possible. He wanted me to get some steroid shots in before Ethan was born, so we had a scheduled c-section date for the next day 12/19/07 at 930am. That night was the longest and most scariest night in the world, we had to continue to watch little Ethan and make sure his heart rate was reading good because if not we would have to have an emergency c-section. The next morning, me and Shauna went into the OR and our little boys were born. Evan Michael at 1017am 1lb 11oz, 12 3/4 in, Ethan Glenn at 1019am 1lb 15.7oz 13 1/2 in. Ethan was rushed to the NICU and I was sent over to recovery. I have never been so happy and so sad at the same time in my entire life.