Missing Evan....

Evan, mommy misses you so much! I feel so cheated that you are not in my life now. I know you are safe and OK, but I miss you so so much! Why was it me that had to go through this, why did I have to loose my pride and joy because god wanted you. what made me so bad that he couldn't leave you here with me so I could take care of you. I would have been a good mommy, I am being a good mommy to your brother. I wish so much that I could change time and that I could have went to the hospital on the 17th and told them I wanted to be monitored, then I would have know you were in trouble and we could have tried to save you. I know I cant change what happened and I know that you are in a better place, but that doesn't help me!!! Sometimes I feel just so lost without you, and think something always happened to me. I know I don't deserve these bad things that happen, I know I am a good person but I miss you so so much my son! Mommy thinks you would have been just like your brother a little fighter but you were never given the chance. People tell me at least you still have Ethan, Yes I know I love him VERY much, but that's not good enough. Let me tell them at least you still have one child. I'm sad to go back to work because I don't want people to ask about you. I want people to already know what happened and me not have to tell the story all the time. I don't mind talking about you, but I hate having to tell your saddest part that you had to leave mommy. I love you baby oh so much, and you will ALWAYS ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what happens in life. Thank you for watching over me. I love you Evan!!!