Incomplete....

As the holidays approach it gets harder and harder to think about my dear sweet Evan. He seems to come up more in my thoughts, dreams, and conversations. My precious boys would be turning 4 years old in 34 days and even though I know hes safe and snug in the clouds, I selfishly want him here with me and with our family enjoying Thanksgiving, his birthday, and Christmas. My heart aches more for him around this time of the year, and even though at times it seems to be getting easier there is a large part of me that feels exactly the same as I did when I knew he flew up to become a heavenly angel. I usually go threw his things about 2-3x a year and recently was going to but also thought to myself, I know he doesn't want to see me cry and I know that's what would happen. A couple days ago Shauna and I watched a show called, Our America with Lisa Ling Twin Lives, and it was about identical twins and the connection they feel with each other. They can feel one another pain and feel incomplete when they are not with each other. So it made me wonder will Ethan feel incomplete? will he feel like something is missing in his life always? I don't want him to hurt, but I also want him to know hes a twin and had a brother. Since he was able to talk we have told him about his brother and recently told him that Mommy had him and his brother in my belly and his brother died before he was born. :( Shauna was the one to tell the story, but I cant help but hurt for him also thinking that he may only be an only child and that his sibling is an angel in Heaven :'( I always tell myself that I wish Heaven wasn't so far away and that it was a place we could visit. Now that Justin Moore made a song about it I love it.
Justin Moore- If Heaven wasn't so far away

I bought them their Christmas ornaments today, they are bells with a matching snowman on top with each of their names. Every year they get matching name ornaments and I always get a new angel or figurine of some sort so I'm still on the lookout for that but I have one in mind which is a Willow Tree Angel called "Guardian Angel"


I miss my precious Evan, so very much and as bitter sweet as these months are sometimes I wish they didn't have to come every year. I love you my sweet son and think about you every day, I know you're right by my side forever and always! ♥

Angel Whispers
Dear Mommy,
Before I said my first hello,
the time had already passed.
For when you held me in your arms,
I felt angelic tears down my cheeks,
and watched you as you wept.
I wish I could have changed it all,
Your tears touched my soul so deep.
But Mommy when you are sad,
please be assured I know.
For death cannot take away your love,
it will only continue to grow.
Time and distance cannot erase,
a love and bond so deep.
There is no bond that can compare,
and in your heart I'll keep.
When you are feeling far away,
and missing me so much,
close your eyes and feel my wings,
there soft and gentle touch.
Or at night as you sleep,
I'll join you in a dream.
You will see me standing close to you,
and I'll be lost within my wings.
So dear Mommy ,
as you go from day to day.
Find comfort in the knowledge,
I'm never that far away.
~ Author Unknown